"When there is no enemy within, the enemy without cannot hurt you"
Wise Words. The greatest battle I face is between myself and that dastardly brilliantly evil and insidous mastermind of manipulation..myself. More often that not I find myself engrossed in the flood of thoughts that swivel around in my skull that it's no suprise when I do finally open my mouth a tidal wave of incongruent words emerge. It's my mind, the tough pioneer of transcendence and change, optomistic against the equally treacherous storm of my brain, realistic and the ultimate equalizer. I can be anything, my mind says, "too bad you are NOTHING" my brain replies, comfortable in its logic due to past experiences. I seem to only focus on the bad ones.
This is how it USUALLY plays out:
"There she goes. Gliding past me again, slim body, beautiful eyes, great ass, a living breathing artistic creation of aesthetic beauty and sexual expression. (Pedastaling? Nay, appreciation, I am an artist). I try to catch her eye, not a moment of eye contact. She appears self absorbed moving through my world for a bit, totally out of my reach. That's how it is nowadays. I look at women not really even with a real yearning. It resembles a passive glance weighed down by a sense of futility. Inner me: Dude, What are you doing, she is yours. Go get her. Bitch me: like hell she is. She probably has a boyfriend. Blah Blah Blah. What would you even say to her stupid? Hi. I am an uber cool wanker high school kid.Save yourself the embarassment and akwardness. And in the midst of this arguement between myself and my emotional angel and devils on my shoulders, I either just decide against it, or saunter over, and manage to fumble out a few words. Most of the time, I swiftly produce a cellphone out of my pocket and pretend to be texting. Shit. LAME. AS. FUCK. And the moment passes. The sea becomes calm again. Disapppointment settles in across me. "And another refrence point for being a bitch".
And it follows in many categories but the least in SPORTS. How is it that I can go head to head with a behemoth, sweating, gnarling and furious, and conquer them without the slightest fear, and score a touchdown with complete confidence, but NOT talk to a girl, whose greatest weapon is a rude look. I am afraid of rejection I suppose, just because what it represents, something I rarely do, FAIL, I am good at almost everything I try, so it comes difficult to fail at something openly and acceptingly. Even when I fail in sports, I have the thought, I am going to get it, just more practice. With this, it seems you can go YEARS without success and still fail miserably with no improvement. Yet, I don’t doubt I will advance at this, I just need to remove the associated pain with rejection.
Though, I did stumble upon a deeper realization, I truly have options, I have no reason to be clingy and begging with women, permitting whoever to bother me, or even be desperate for a hot one. It goes like this, the abundance mindset I am trying to employ stems from this (tell me if this is a wrong way to think). I am an athelete, funny, and sexy as shit, despite my often slack attire. If I really wanted. I could either: A) Pay a prostitute for sex if i needed it THAT BAD, B) Fuck one of the many girls that are only ok to decently hot that want me, opposed to my definition of top quality just to get sex out of my system and realize it isnt shit. Thereby leaving me open to purely looking at the girl as a sure youd be nice, Ive got friends that are girls to chill with, and Ive got girls to fuck, so, if I like you, we can be friends too, if not whatever, I have options. is that the headspace to be in? Me being an athlete, I always have access to parties, girls, more friends etc. etc. so It just is a matter of going out and finding these oppurtunities. Hmm.
Momentum: If I talk to five girls a day, and try to arrange a meeting, and proceed from there, I can gain momentum and begin to get the ball rolling with girls.
My team: Ok, my greatest asset is my social circle which is large. If I really wanted I can hang out with someone different everyday for many weeks and months. So, I believe using this and getting various people together and going to parties and connecting them will help immensely with expanding it and meeting the type of girls I am interested in.
My Taste: I like a lot of the usual girls my friends like, but I feel like I like girls they wouldn’t, and when I do, I face much ridicule from the team, friends etc. etc. Whatever. If I like her. I LIKE her. Though, I don’t think ive been with enough girls to discriminate. I think I should date several types of girls and give them chances and see how it goes. Then I will be better at knowing what I like. It will definitely cure me of my social conditioned pre concieved notions of what I should like, because the norm may not make me happy. This is one way to find out.
Successes: Sports success, scoring 35 points a game in bball, 1-2 tries a game in rugby, soccer bouta start AND lacrosse, heh heh. Girls success, Uh, hmm, I am getting better at isolating what I need to work on. And I am talking to a girl from my class, a short cute and slightly thick girl. Very cool though, she is an artist and plays sports
. Positivity and Mentality: I have been Positive literally all day, with slight moments of negativity, but no general feeling of self loathing and sadness.
Failures: Uh, talking to enough girls, progressing things, and taking action to the degree Id like.
General Shit:
-Talked to 4 girls today
-Going to the college lib and stuff to talk to girls
-I will start eating lunch and dinner at the college cafeteria, seems PACKED with college people..girls. Though, it would be weird if I just ate alone. Bring a friend what?
-Talking to five girls a day from NOW ON minimum.
Questions:
What do you suggest about to do next, or where to start on the venture into college..girls…social circles?
What’s your personal experiences with this type of thing, possible to be in high school and date college?
High school girls…. Difference between them and college girls?
From now on guys, more substance based reports, like I did this and this, oppposed to rambling. It helps.